Today I did receive various documents which look not unlike documents issue by organisation like Stasi, with photograph of my car which say I must pay fine of over seventy pounds, or half of this if I pay early (bargain) … and then on other piece of paper I see writ words to effect: if you pay £2.50 within fortnight all is forgiven because we, idiot as we are (apologies but I garnish with this), have without warning stop using toll both at lovely Dartford bridge and make it look like they are broken, not being use, so you drive through, get photograph and fine instead. Then we send you pin-head letter which direct you to web site, illegible nonsense which take several go to use, utterly useless. In truth in my rage I would have done as I did to Nazi officer in Amsterdam one time. Only how do you do this to computer? Actually they do not say much of this, but you get message, I imagine. It is scam, of no help to anyone. Typical scam load with fear and persecution by government. I am this afternoon to see minister for transport to discuss privately. I am outrage.
So Apple, computer company, have made watch. I would enjoy watch which look like apple, as this could have practical value, or aesthetic like hat, or be use to contain thing like cufflink or even biscuit – more if this was tiny refrigerator. But I do not need computer as watch. I see presentation where ‘big sell’ is that it tell me to move every hour so I do not sit around, get cancer and grow fat. This is stupid. I have cat which keep me move, or dog, and alarm clock, or mine own brain which say: ‘Kasimir, move away from idea of Apple watch.’ I look at man who run Apple and I think he look pasty, ill and in need of good walk in sunshine.
Shun by international cricket establishment best batsman in world Kevin is forced to find alternative career. After various slur, lie and ill-advise semi-autograph novel (‘THEM’), he is forced to become children entertainer, with magic, clown show and final bed-time story. Irrepressible as ever though Kevin bounces back to be best children entertainer in Australia (where he end up after shun by English association of clown and magician). So, we find ourself on eve of International World Cup and news break of calamity in England camp: all cricketer have collapse with exhaustion after final training session.
‘It is mystery,’ say England coach Mr Moore. I ask them to do 100 lap of Sydney cricket ground to round off session and they collapse, vomit, almost die. None of them is fit to play so we must forfeit game. Heh-heh.’
Picking up on strange final word of Mr Moore (Heh-heh) roving journalist Mr Morgan ask: ‘Why you laugh Mr Moore?’
His colleague, who have somehow miss hideous chortle sound, look at Mr Morgan in amazement. ‘What you talk about,’ say ordinarily astute and reasonable fellow Mr Agnew.
‘He laugh like bitter demon,’ say Mr Morgan.
In split second blinding light appear from eye of Mr Moore and Mr Morgan vapourize. And Mr Moore utter again: ‘Heh-heh.’
‘Where he go?’ ask Mr Agnew.
All shrug and go to have beer, soon forgetting incident. All apart from one, for at back of marquee tent where this happen is discreet figure wrap in cloak, with hood, who shuffle from exit quickly and make way through surreptitious route of secret tunnel and passageway only know to him to Sky commentary room where commentator lament terrible fate of England team.
Mr Botham is about to raise toast to last frail effort of fast bowler Anderson, who curse and puff, try to haul self over to net after hundredth lap for final net session order in secret by Mr Moore (after he learn Mr Anderson survive run hundred lap of cricket ground), and to ‘absent friend’ Mr Stoke, young cricketer sent to penal colony in Russia instead of be named for World Cup team after he give ‘funny look’ at practice session … when he hear voice, loud and like HAMMER OF THE GOD (with South African):
‘What is this?’ say Mr Botham, about to clout figure in cloak for disturb civility and somber moment.
‘Steady on,’ say Mr Gower, let us see what the fellow have to say.
Mr Bumble laugh incorrigibly and for no reason and friend of all, Shane Warne, dress as big shark to avoid recognition and accusation of consort with enemy, cock eye watchfully. In corner, Mr Flintoff who have already maybe have one too many ale sit up straight, and lean in doorway, motherly but tough presence of Heyhoe-Flint clap hand: ‘what all this about then?’
Figure in cloak cast aside cloak and all gasp as they see who stand before them: ‘It is I,’ he say. ‘Kevin.’
‘Kev, mate,’ say Mr Botham. ‘What you doing? Where you been?’
‘I have been entertain children and learn in process better humility, tolerance of idiot, more self-aware and some magic trick.’
All sigh, somehow move by figure who look remarkable but also vulnerable and who wear cricket white. ‘He pull at white shirt and say: ‘This is in my soul. Even beneath cloth of wizard I am cricket player to core. And I am here to save England world cup.’
Mr Flintoff weep. ‘Is too late, Kev. They all wash up.’
‘No,’ say Kevin, ‘is never too late.’
END OF EPISODE ONE
It is with great pleasure I watch episode of TV drama SPIRAL. It remind me of crime series I write in 1970s for West German TV which was call TANGLEWIT. Star of Tanglewit was Inspector Bruhoffer, and sidekick was Taffy, Welshman, on attach from Cardiff police. With them was also Big Bruno, dog handler with big heart. He have Alsatian dog call Satan. Satan was peaceful dog who would not bite, and this create many dilemma, as sometimes Bruno have to use creativity instead, while Taffy run and Bruhoffer work out solution from special wheelchair, like Ironside. Bruhoffer was disable after get shot by mistake.
Comedy is Biggest
I see that is said Britain is leading place in world for comedy. This is not correct, as I would say having seen very entertaining comedian in many place not Britain, for example Cairo where something really make me laugh. What I would say is different: in Britain there are many people who do make joke as he or she are unable to express anger as, for example, Italian, Greek or other nation. In Britain solution is generally crack joke, or go get drunk (not as Russian would do) or say nothing and commit secret act to cause pain, humiliation elsewhere. I see man call Herring say this, and have to admit that his name is of course very funny.
In Salem, USA, barred owl did attack jogger and steal hat. This is typical of American to make fuss about act of nature. I remember good friend Donald, after whom I name cat Donald, tell me about when was attack by buzzard in Scottish Highland. It is more common than we would assume. And what is difference between owl attack and get hat, monkey who throw nuts, and bear which maul? All of these animal regard people as IDIOT, who trespass where not wanted.
Greece Nazi Party
My good friend Mr Varoufakis serve to remind German finance minister of unpleasant truth. I am old man now but not so old I forget event of April 1941. This is problem. In today world we pretend to forget but we remember in ways we do not know. We say we must remember dead and we act as if we forget war. Today Germany very powerful nation. So powerful it offer to send tax inspector to Greece. We do not forget war when we look at news any day and see what happen all over world, distant ripple of snake underground which is memory, or like vast mole which burrow, burrow, burrow. This is history. Hitler blame war in Greece on fact he lose war.
Anna V will be made portrait tomorrow, with Donald who is cat. For Anna III I did have various portrait in honour of Victorian Era, which now hang in dining room. For Anna IV, was only one painting, before she escape into Scottish wild: Gethsmane. In this she pose as Our Lord on night before crucifixion. Anna IV was special dog, but perhaps I should have decide John Baptist. It was intend to be one of various New Testament scene. Now, for Anna V, I am in midst of ‘Famous Couple’ series of painting. I have never before had cat; and when I get cat, Donald, I lose dog, Anna IV (although she later reappear to be fed by citizens of Scottish village and Donald, my friend). So I get another Dog, Anna V, and I find I have new dog and new cat at same time! Then it come time, as I have habit to, for birthday portrait of Anna I decide to have portrait of both. So far in series I have had pose the following, according to my instruction for artist:
BRIEF FOR ARTIST (Famous Couple series)
Date: 6 February 2012
Title: ‘Who is Joker Now?’
Suggested Detail: Donald is Batman and Anna is Boy Wonder Robin. They snatch bag of kitten from hand of Joker as he prepare to throw off bridge. Joker know game is up from awful expression of doom and bitterness.
Special Note: Donald scratch.
Date: 6 February 2013
Title: ‘Bonnie and Clyde’
Suggested Detail: Donald have machine gun and white suit while Anna look spectacular in lovely red dress, explode into bank like loving ghoul. Outside is cheering crowd of poor folk, arms outstretch for money.
Special Note: Anna will chew on gun.
Date: 6 February 2014
Title: ‘Another Fine Mess’
Suggested Detail: Anna is Stan Laurel and Donald is ‘Laughing Gravy’, famous dog from Laurel and Hardy film. Stan make hat go up in air because Laughing Gravy have eat all sausage in kitchen where Stan is dishwasher (Laughing Gravy belong to him) and chef approach with meat cleaver in rage.
Special Note: Mr Chive, gardener, will be good to pose as chef. If not get Bono from pop band U2 who owe me favour.
Date: 6 February 2015
Title: ‘Hi Ho Silver’
Suggested Detail: Donald is Lone Ranger and Anna V is Silver, majestic horse. She rear up on horizon while Donald cock hat at bad guy (who lie about on floor, vanquish).
Special Note: Donald to wear blue Tom Kitten suit which he love.
There are few picture of word. What I mean is simple. Sometimes designer do design with letter of word, and sometimes picture have name, such as ‘wisdom’. This was typical of Victorian artist, perhaps of virtue. Or ‘glutton’, who is not. But what I mean is that it is rare to see picture of word, paint as if rabbit, cow or sheep. What would word like CLOWN, for example, look like if it is not looking like a clown. because clown which is a clown must be different from clownish look of CLOWN (man with red nose, etc). Inner clown, perhaps? Clown inside. what is clown that I am writing which make word ‘clown’ into clown. It is a mystery. One night I dream about a word as another word, too, which disguise it. But I forget what.
While I write science fiction cricket drama I must also take Anna V to local artist Stoddart to pose for portrait. I still have in my study lovely picture of Anna III: ‘So She Swam.’ This new picture will be similar, but better.
As I flick through diary I see there are various other who will have small part in science fiction drama. Here is list. if you name is not here but I promise you part please be in touch immediately.
Craig, Bus Driver who stop at roundabout so I get off better.
Mary, who work at library and give me book.
Gardener Mr Chives for having excellent name – is why I employ him (I joke, Mr Chive).
Bono from rock band U2 who I insult, but I apologise.
Lily, another child, friend of Heloise.
Colin, friend of Lily.
Ms Evangelista, model, who offer me swap seat on transatlantic flight.
Simon Le Bon, singer, who did show me yacht manoeuvre.
Vera, lady who deliver post with happy smile and light manner.
I think is it. Now I write!
This is not to do with communication from my several sibling! No, it is because now I am penning drama to accompany INTERNATIONAL CRICKET WORLD CUP, as preliminary. This will be similar to but better than example of drama which feature James Bond before OLYMPIC. It will have science fiction bias, and guest appearance from various famous cricketer, alive and dead (REALLY! YES!) plus romance, alien and return of evil Dark Lord I first create but name of who I have forgot for speculative TV Science Fiction series I send to Patrick Moore in 1960s. But now I write! There will also be animal, as I promise Donald and Anna small cameo to make up for my absences. And also I do same for Mrs Freud, Mrs Klein and Heloise, little girl who look after Anna while I am away. And for taxi driver Mr Phillips (not Adam Phillips, psychoanalyst, although he also, I have said I may offer some lines to).
I have see Donald in snow, so deep he disappear. Then he appear in another place, because he make tunnel in between! If only I have photograph of this.